This is a piece from the heart inspired by insomnia. For those who know me, that’s a fete! I might as well be the carrier to the vaccine of this disorder. It is not clinical insomnia but insomnia borne out of a heavy heart. As I think at just how cruel the world can be and just how some lessons are perhaps harder than any relativity theory class I know. Too bad that supplementary papers and retakes are not an option. Life goes on regardless, every passing second, every passing minute, every passing hour, grain after grain of sand in the hour glass.
I visualise the many people I have walked past in town, in school, sat next to in a bus or a matatu, a plane, black, white, affluent, rich, poor, beggars, old, young, sick or in good health. All i can remember is a blur of colour. A few may have been accorded a few precious seconds because of stepping on my toes, pushing me on the street or stopped to ask for direction. That is fine. It is erased as soon as that person has taken a step away.
It gets me thinking though, why don’t I know those people? Why don’t I know where they are from and where they are headed? Do they know me? Have they even recognised they just passed me? I am not vain; I have a bearing for the example posed. In all my interactions, I will meet people. Be they young, old and similar attributes as above. I will spend time with those people, a considerable amount of it and they will too with me. They are my friends, they are family. They are all my chosen family.
Go where you are loved and accepted, not tolerated
Everyone needs to feel loved, accepted and to belong. We can’t help it, it is inherent to us a virtue of our humanity. Tolerance predisposes imposition; you find that most often than not you struggle to be recognised and making your presence felt. Nobody wants to feel this way and nobody deserves it in the least.
I care nothing for the plastic smile a cashier or receptionist accords me, they are paid to be courteous after all. It does not put food on my table; it does not contribute to my well being in any way. I care nothing about a casual acquaintance maybe casually.
That being said, I would hate to be tolerated by anyone. That means I am imposing on you my presence and quite frankly I think your self worth borders on the extremities. You might as well have been a blur on the streets et al.
Always give your best, or none at all
If you love someone or even care about them, give them your all. Don’t even measure how much you do just give. The good book says to give is better than to receive. Give because it will come back to you in plenty, karma aint always a bitch.
However, there is no reason for you to ever lead someone on if their interests are not at heart. It hurts when cold hearted betrayal occurs and it is done with a straight face, no remorse or feelings. Sad eyes met with a cold empty stare, a quivering lip met with a cold wry smile.
Trust when eroded can never be regained
Trust is very sacred yet people do not understand the intricacies there in. It is like an egg, throw in around carelessly it will fall. If it falls, that is the end of the egg and all that remains are egg shells and yolk splattered all over.
Last and most important, the most expensive and hard things to give do not have a price tag to them. It is such mentality that ensures real genuine care always eludes you; to give and receive genuine love and care from people.
This is dedicated to my chosen family, those who love and accept me with my flaws and my strong points. Those that love and accept me never tolerate. The people I have let in to my world; my hopes, dreams, fears and aspirations. The people who always have my interests at heart and would give an arm and a leg to see me happy. Just know that I would do all the above and more for you if need be because you deserve nothing short of that.
donmu2ua 